To Feel Less Alone

While talking to my husband, he’ll often finish my thoughts and tell me he gets it. To which I reply, “But I need to say it.” What is it about the presence of an audience that gives our words weight? If Yev wasn’t going to listen, why did I still want to tell him? Why couldn’t I just say it to myself?

Covid and quarantine meant Yev and I have spent a lot of time together. Probably too much time together, to be honest. It means we don’t have a lot of new material to share. We already kind of know everything that’s going on in each other’s lives. This has made conversations difficult because Yev doesn’t feel the need to talk if the information has already been exchanged, but I process through talking. This means that either Yev has to hear repeat information, or I go without processing my experiences.

Talking is already hard for us because it’s so important to me and so overwhelming for Yev. When adding our current emotional states after moving and Yev losing employment, it becomes even harder to bridge this gap. We’ve done our best to strike a balance where he tries to be more patient, and I try to talk to other people. But there are some things I can only share with him, and I’ve been wondering why that is. If he’s too tired to hear me, why do I still want to tell him?

I’ve found the isolation of Covid to be devastating. I find myself talking to Yev about things I never would have before because I’m not meeting up with my friends for girls’ nights and playdates, and moving only compounded this struggle, even though it alleviated others. The girls and I have our monthly Wine Wednesday, but it encapsulates the highlights, not the day to day experiences.

I caught myself talking to Yev about my menstrual cup last night 🙈, just because I felt like it was a random thing to text someone else. So in an effort to maintain the delicate balance of my marriage, I think I may be talking more to you. My ever supportive, forever loyal readers. You make me feel less alone ❤️.