Why I Avoid my Mirror

Enough about self-care. Let’s talk about some self-love 💕.

Anyone else feeling really yucky about her body right now? I realized I ignore my mirror completely when changing because I can’t handle seeing my body. The lumps and dimples, rolls and stretch marks seem to scream horrible words at me, and so I choose not to look, as if I’m choosing not to suffer. 

I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully love my body. I’m not sure if I’ll ever see my loose skin and stretch marks as beautiful. People can talk all day about how amazing their bodies are for giving life, but that just doesn’t resonate with me in the way they intend. Yes I think our bodies are amazing for the miracle of birth, on a scientific level, and I am grateful for my body. But I don’t think it’s beautiful now. I see it more like collateral damage, and I wish I didn’t. 

But I’m in this space where if I don’t look, I can’t hate. This willful ignorance allows me to focus on other things. And it just got me thinking. How is everyone else coping? Am I the only one who actively avoids the mirror while changing?

I think COVID has made it harder for everyone, and for different reasons. For me, it’s the lack of exercise. When I move my body, I feel so good about myself. I love sweating, feeling my muscles burning, and jamming out to some good music. It makes me feel alive. But there hasn’t been a lot of time for that with the kids home. 

I’m hoping preschool will change how I feel physically inside my body, and maybe that will change how I feel emotionally about my body as well. I don’t know. I’m just struggling today and wanted to see if anyone else was too ❤️.