All right. So here’s the truth of it. Yev and I had a little “misunderstanding” about who was writing tonight’s article, so here I am, at midnight, typing away at my computer without any plan or prep. And this is exactly how marriage works. It throws us into situations, often without a life raft. We only survive by holding on to each other and swimming.
Marriage is a daily lesson in team work, and this goes much smoother if you and your partner are growing together. It’s amazing how many things I can learn about my husband in a single day, after 6 years of marriage. For many couples, 6 years is simply a blip in comparison to the length of their relationship, but for others it feels like an eternity. If it wasn’t for my three kids, I would have a hard time believing I’ve been with Yev for 8 years in total. That’s almost a decade!
A couple of things that work for us: we fight fair, discuss everything, and forgive completely. Each relationship has its own foundation, but we work on respecting each other at every level. This prevents our marriage from becoming fertile ground for resentment. I truly believe that resentment allowed to fester is the end of a relationship.
Yev and I work at what we have every single day. Some days it feels as natural as breathing, and some days I want to hurt someone. Regardless of what kind of day we’re having though, we work together. You have to when you’re parents. When you’re single, you have a lot more time to squabble about whatever the heck you want, but as parents, every moment is precious. Is your fight taking away from alone time, couple time, sleep, food? Or is the argument ruining a special experience you’ve been saving up time and money for?
Sometimes I don’t even have the energy to be heated. I can’t tell you how many of our arguments have ended simply because one of us has said, “I don’t want to fight with you. I love you. I’m sorry.” Once we’ve calmed down, we’re then able to hear each other better. This allows us to discuss the underlying reasons for the argument, as opposed to debating back and forth about the details.
In order to do this successfully, you have to check your pride at the door. I’m not really sure why, but this isn’t really something we struggle with. Trust me, we definitely have other issues, but we’re both able to be transparent without trying to be right, at least most of the time.
Although my parents marriage didn’t make it, something their therapist asked them has continued to resonate with me. “Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?” And although Yev often laughs and responds, “Why can’t I have both?” the truth is that both are not always possible. It’s a matter of priorities. Which value ranks higher: righteousness or happiness.
Yev and I do our best to pick happiness because when we’re each pushing solely for our own agenda, is anyone winning? We do our best to strike a balance that meets our own needs and the needs of our spouse and family. The reality is sometimes we make it, and sometimes we fall short; however, our goal is always to work together (she types, as Yev snores next to her passed out 😂).
Jacqueline Pinchuk 