My daughter looked at me today, with her crystal blue eyes. She looked at me with such awe and admiration and love. It absolutely stilled me. I found myself wishing I could see myself through her eyes.
I felt frumpy with formula on my skirt, spit up on my shirt, glasses on my face, and my hair piled atop my head. And yet my daughter looked at me with adoration. She watched as I burped baby V, and burped her own baby in return, continuously smiling at me. Her eyes saying, “Look mama, aren’t you proud?”
She fed her baby and rocked her baby, singing a Russian lullaby. All the while keeping an eye on me, mimicking my behavior. If I stopped to adjust the clip in my hair, she put her baby down and adjusted her own hair, and it made me wonder. What did I do to deserve such devotion? Why was I worth having every movement mimicked?
It’s always interesting to have these reflective moments when experiencing crippling sleep deprivation. I sometimes feel like my brain power is diminished, and yet I didn’t miss the look in my daughter’s eye. It was a look of pure, unadulterated love.
Sometimes I feel unworthy of this love because it is truly unconditional. My girls look at me the same way every day. It doesn’t matter if I have make up on or even if I’ve showered. My girls smile at me the same way, with love shining out through their eyes. It’s as if they don’t see my body at all but only notice my soul.
It is an incredibly humbling experience to have children, for many reasons, but recently I’ve noticed how my girls want to mimic everything I do, as if I am the ultimate example. And in these moments when I feel unworthy or undeserving, I try to offer myself the same courtesy of unconditional acceptance and adoration. I just try to love myself the way they love me.